Wonderland.

So after this long continuous fight over the last 11 months we've been together..we decided to not live together after this lease is up. It sucks. You think I like to move back in with my parents? GUESS AGAIN. This time it gets better though..I'll have a daughter! Maybe it'll be better having Autumn around, it just really worries me. There is a reason I'm not living there in the first place..and my mom hasn't really shown much progress on that side but I'm hoping that I've grown up enough for the both of us. I don't really have any other options. Well, there is always options but both of them suck so I might as well choose the one that is going to benefit me in the long run.

So I'm going back to school full time and going to continue working and be a mother. We will see how much a person really can take. I don't know where our relationship status stands..but I'm not in a hurry to find out either. Time will tell what we should do and I'm not really in any hurry anymore. It's not like I'm going to go out looking for someone else right now either so don't get it twisted or anything-but that doesn't mean I'm going to be a hermit and like never go out with my friends.

I can't believe I've been making the choices I have been lately. I feel like I'm living some life that I had never wanted for myself. I know I deserve better, but why can't I ever make that happen? It's like I settle! That's bullshit! No more putting others first before myself. From now on it's just Autumn & I first, and no one is going to stand in the way THIS time.

FAkE.

Like honestly when did everyone I know become SO fake? Has it always been like this and I've just never noticed? It's disgusting how these people I've known forever seem to fall right into the drama game. I hate that game and I refuse to be in it anymore. It just frustrates me that everyone lately seems to be pissing me off except Autumn. Like is everyone going to always let me down? Why do I put so much effort into people to only get shit on? & you expect me to still be here? hahahaha you're fucking crazy.

I'm not in highschool anymore and I don't like any of the drama that came with it. Why can't we all be grown fucking adults? Oh yeah because YOU CANT FUCKING GROW UP. Life sucks, shit happens but dont fucking rewind your LIFE. because thats exactly what your doing. I'm noticing I'm not the only one afraid of change, that a lot of people actually are..the thing is I'm finally doing something about it and dealing with it-so why does it seem like other people cant?? Is it because they're not mature enough yet? Or they just don't want too? Grow the fuck up.We've all had to do it at on point or another. If you dont want to grow up? Well sucks for you than because I wont let myself be around people like you

new changes.

So I've been failing to update this thing. Seems like my life just got way to chaotic. I decided to go to summer school. and not only did I take a summer class so it was compact-I picked a subject that I'm not super good at to begin with, Biology. UGH. worst mistake ever. I'm required to study 4 chapters a week and since I don't have a strong backround in chemistry I am def behind. It sucks. I keep studying my ass off and get 60's on exams. Like seriously? Oh well. As long as I get a C and pass the class I'll be happy. I'm really starting to think I want to go to a trade school. The only thing standing in my way is that I need a daycare to watch Autumn. I could attend Phoenix College but 1. it's super far away from where and I live and 2. I don't know if I can really trust the daycare workers. It's the mom in me. I've become 20 times more paranoid now than I ever was before. I'm kind of throwing myself into school instead of trying to find a new job. Without bettering my education I'm not going to get anywhere. Every time I go in for an interview I'm going against 40 year olds who have degrees and have had salary paying jobs. If I don't continue school I'll be working at Sprouts for the rest of my life and that WILL NOT be happening. So for right now I need to suck it up and continue to do my job. It's easy. I could do it in my sleep. & they are willing to work with my school hours. So I don't have much to complain about if I focus on the positives. (I have to repeat in my head "YOU WONT BE HERE FOREVER" in order to even make it through the workday). Everything else seems to not be my main focus at the moment. It's probably better that way because I don't need any added stress.

I want my own house. so bad I could probably be titled insane. I've been looking at houses for rent around the area and the prices arn't bad I just need a roomate. So I'm in the process of finding someone I can trust and can depend on to pay their share of the bills. Autumn is getting so big now she needs more room and apartment living isn't really going to do it. What we would be paying for a house we would be paying for an apartment and i'd MUCH rather pay for a house. My dad doesn't seem to think we could handle a house but I want to prove him wrong. we can :)

I can't believe Autumn is going to be 7 months already. Our birthdays are coming up so fast I can't even believe my own eyes. June is almost over?! What the heck man! I know I'm not living the life of a normal 21 year old but does anyone else feel like time is flying by now that we've reached this mark in our lives?!

Changes.

Lord,
Please please please give me a new job. I need something that I enjoy doing and that I can have confidence in. Also, it would be nice to be able to support my daughter.

Thanks.

Insomnia.

in·som·ni·a
  [in-som-nee-uh] –noun;
inability to obtain sufficient sleep, especially when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness.

Lately it feels like the world around me is changing faster than I can blink. I get comfortable, sink into this wonderful lifestyle I have and than BAM!-reality check.

This whole motherhood thing is new to me. Sometimes I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing & I hope that's normal. I love her more than the air I breathe. Every time I look at her this love and happiness comes over my whole body. I think the thought of being a single mother scares me. I feel like I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. As each day gets by I'm starting to convince myself more and more that maybe I can do this and maybe I should..

Everyone has the same reaction when I tell them. Shocked. Yeah, trust me I was too. The problem is I'm stuck so much in the middle I don't know what I want to do. Do I stay with this man that I've loved and committed myself too? People make mistakes right? They can change? Or will they. How many times have I been down this road. Want to know where it's gotten me? Nowhere and with way more issues than I deserve. Here I was living day to day with this man who was doing this behind my back. & than had the audacity to come home to me after wards and act like it's all amazing. You're fucking kidding me, right? Change is my problem and no matter what it's about to happen in my life. I'm just scared of making the wrong choice and regretting it later in life.

Why me? God must seem to think that I can handle this life test..and believe me it's testing everything I have. I can only hope that whatever decision I make in life makes me happy.